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The Rest of the Linsanity Story: Unstoppable Voices

2012-02-13T19:45:00.000-08:00

The Rest of the Linsanity Story: Unstoppable Voices

What makes the Linsanity story so wonderful is that the context of his story is such a triumphant showcase of what a person can do even in the midst of systemic bigotry or hurtful stereotype-casting. It is a story we all connect to as one of perseverance and going after the American dream. It is also an experience or story that many Americans, not just minority Americans can relate to: the story of being unnoticed and told that we do not matter (as an underdog) as much as others by society at large. It is the story of why we were so surprised by Jeremy Lin’s success. The fact that we were all quite shocked by a no name non-drafted, non-division I baller becoming a big sensation in a big name sport that is predominantly populated by African Americans and Whites tells us a bit of the rest of the story.

The rest of the story is about how someone like Lin could have gone so unnoticed by so many capable scouts. The real story in the midst of even celebrating that at last, we have another great Asian American male role model is also about the AA community not having many positive role models or even being an integral part of our American history even though some of us have been in America for over 6 generations or more. What has remained silent is that many Americans and even Asian Americans do not know much about AA history. Due to various factors that are beyond the scope of this blog post, AA’s are not as outspoken as other minorities and have not been acknowledged as much in mainstream American society or history.

For example, prior to Lin, most Americans could guess that there were not many AA’s who have ever played NBA pro ball (4 to be exact), not many would know the rest of the story. This narrative is about Wat Misaka who was not only the first ever Asian American NBA baller, he was also the first person of Color to ever play in pro ball. He was actually a predecessor to Jackie Robinson whom many pay homage to. But why is it that most Americans do not celebrate Misaka as much? Do we know that his story is a great story of hope? Do we know that he opened the door for people of Color to participate in pro sports as equal team members? Do we know the rest of Wat’s story?

Like Lin, even though Misaka’s story has a great plot and ending, there is an important part of the story that rarely gets shared. That untold story is about how Misaka came out of so much adversity in order to be the first or be a role model for so many. Wat remained steadfast at a time when racism was the flavor of the day during and post-WWII. While Misaka’s name is more famous now, Misaka’s story did not begin with much fanfare or words, but with much abilities and ball skills.

Misaka was a winner like Lin. Although small in size (5’7”), he led his own high school to a state championship. As one of the few AA’s who has ever played college basketball, in 1943-44, Wat helped lead the Utah team to a 18-3 record and a NIT bit and NCAA championship that was played (you guessed it) at Madison Square Gardens. Because he played for the Univ of Utah during that season nearby Camp Topaz, an internment camp of about 8,100 Japanese Americans who were forcibly removed from their homes and placed to reside behind barbed wires, Wat became famous especially to proud Japanese Americans in the tragic camps. Wat was the hope for his down-trodden community through his ball-handling. He reminded them of happier times where the game matter and other things like racism did not hold them in prison. He also reminded them of the American dream that indeed we can pursue all that we desire no matter what color our skin.

After his bid for national championship, like other patriotic Americans, he went into the armed services for 2 years to serve his country. As an American patriot, he fought on the same teams as the men who interned his family, friends and community. Before returning home to a bid to play for the BBA (which became NBA) for (you guessed it?) NY Knicks due to the inclusiveness of then owner Ned Irish who also enrolled the first African American baller for the Knicks in 1950.

Misaka inspired many Japanese Americans to love basketball. That is why there exist in AA communities, a phenomenal called AA basketball leagues. These leagues were created for AA’s to play in the midst of the reality of the subtle or blatant bigotry that can happen in the great sports of America. In these AA basketball leagues, many of these ballers found respect that they could not find in mainstream.

But the story does not end with the odiousness of racism in sports or America, it ends with the hope of a people finding their own voice in the midst of so much dishonor or disrespect. What is amazing is that from a quiet Japanese American community, we find people of justice prevailing to honor Wat for his role as a legend, not only in Basketball, but in American history. In 2008, a documentary film was made by an Asian American and her husband to honor Misaka’s story. In August of the next year, Wat finally got the credit that was due him after sixty years of silence as he was inducted in the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame for his role in basketball and history. Again, the triumph of creating the rest of the story so that others will know that indeed all of us matter is a great secret story of the Asian American community.

That is the untold story or the rest of the Linsanity story. Like Misaka, Lin’s story is now told to millions in America and to the world, even though it began with meager undesirable plots. Lin’s & Misaka’s stories are about unstoppable courage, faith and voice in America. And we are all the better for these quieter stories. (I stand before you as an official NY Knicks fan now. I even know how to live stream the games. Unstoppable voices are stories that motivate me to live better.)

***The film is called Transcending: The Wat Misaka Story directed by Bruce & Christine Toy Johnson.

Servant Leaders Never Quit in Doing Good.

2011-07-20T07:01:00.000-07:00

Recently, I was reminded again about the contrast between self-serving and servant leadership. They are very subtle entities that affect our communities of service. It can be blatantly demonstrated or quietly unnoticed. These are things that increase a community's ability to grow and mature together.

Self-serving is so not what Christians want to be; and yet when it happens it is liken to what the world may be about, i.e. selfishness or self-absorbed leadership. Self-serving leadership is also subtle for it harkens to the motivation of why a leader does what she or he wills to do. So, it can often be masked or hidden. Self-absorbed leadership happens a lot more in this world because it at times seems to make more sense than servant leadership.

This non-sensible reality of servant leadership was brought to my mind by the experience of a friend of mine. Instead of being appreciated as he diligently served, he was made to feel slighted by some of his supervising leaders. And yet, he continued to sacrificially serve in such a way that he fought for others that served with him to have a different experience, i.e. one where others were appreciated by him as their supervising leader. I was very humbled by his heart to continue to serve even though he was disappointed by his own supervising leaders to affirm him in the midst of some challenging ministry events.

What happened to my friend reminded me of this crazy maker: real servant leaders do not QUIT because they did not receive what their hearts long for from their own leaders. You see, when disappointments or hurts happen, their motivation surfaces to the top. It often reveals to them and others that their service in the first place was NOT for others' affirmation or validation or personal gain. It shows that all along that they did it for God, and for the dignity of people. These leaders look to others and oversee others' needs and ask God to help them to create something different than what they may have experienced themselves. This is a redemptive picture of true service, grace and humility. It is a picture of good coming out of hurt or pain caused by others.

Servant leadership breaks the cycle of bad leadership and resolves to never give up the values of the kingdom and people. It fights for God's kingdom values and fights for people to have an experience in community that is full of dignity and worth. Servant leaders who have been the recipients of negative leadership are given a choice to just mope or cry out for a better day or leadership team and be victims, or they can resolve to learn from what they did not receive. True servant leaders instead choose to create a different leadership environment for others because their hearts are to love and to serve in spite of themselves. What they choose to be about or do really does not make any sense to those who do not follow the Servant King for it can only happen by the grace of Jesus. These leaders choose to look to Christ to turn their wounds, disappointments, and yearning for dignity into humble service for others.

Being in community with friends who live out servant leadership has enriched my life. For in watching their lives and choices, I have been made a better person and leader. These servant leaders have influenced people and me in their community for good in spite of deficient role models of leaders in their own lives. Indeed servant leaders never quit in doing good for others no matter the pain!

My Love-Hate Relationship with Mike

2011-07-13T23:39:00.001-07:00

My Love-Hate Relationship with Mike or Lessons in Contextualization

June 14, 2011 by aawolsisters

By Margaret Yu

I have a love-hate relationship with Mike. No, not a person, but the lapel microphone I call my friend, Mike.

I love Mike because it helps me to have a voice. I have a soft voice and do not like to raise it. Mike allows me to speak in my own style without screaming. Specifically, I love Mike because it was made to give speakers the freedom to teach with hands free for other instructional purposes. (This was Ray Litke’s intent for the lapel mic when he invented it in 1957.) Since I love moving around as a speaker and speaking with my hands, I hate hand-held microphones. So, when Mike is working for me, I am able to bring God’s messages while being freely myself.

I hate Mike as well, as it was made (I believe) for men in mind or those who wear stiff collars or lapels or shirts, and pants to hold onto that transmitter box. Mike has altered the way I prepare for speaking engagements for God since I know for Mike to work, I must wear clothing that will allow Mike to be worn on me for effect. This means, as soon as I hear from God that I am to speak at a venue, I automatically think of what to wear. (Okay, a little bit of this could be vanity?) Since I want to speak freely and be heard as well, I have to find clothing that represents me and yet can be strong enough to hold my friend, Mike.

This is no small feat. The times where I have forgotten to wear ‘special speaking’ clothes, i.e. clothing with strong collar or lapels or pants or skirts with a thick waist that clips onto that box, I have had to improvise with creativity so that my voice will be heard.

On quite a few occasions, I have underestimated the ‘softness’ of my clothing and have had to pay a price. (Oh, they were pretty dresses or blouses but not strong enough to hold onto Mike.) In these scenarios, I am about to speak within minutes and Mike is not cooperating with my choice of clothing. Desperate and wanting to be heard while moving freely, I have had to go find men in the audience who could help me as I borrow their belts or other clothing just for the presentation.

Usually these men are very bewildered, but once they understand, they become very compassionate. Often afterwards, they become very sympathetic to women speakers. We can laugh at my creativity as they bond with me and have entered into my world. Sometimes, these men even get the most out of my messages or presentations as a result of me borrowing their belts.

Then, there are times when no clothing can be found that is appropriate for Mike. Last December at our church women’s brunch, I realized that only Mike’s cousin hand-held was around, so I had to make it work. I just spoke and held on to the cousin; but I felt a bit limited and not quite myself. I have learned that I will ONLY hold on to the cousin as the last resort; for it is still not my true speaking self.

Though I have a love-hate relationship with Mike, I have learned a lot from it. Mike is a symbol for me of what things are like when they are NOT intended for you in its invention. I am pretty sure that Ray Litke was not thinking of women who could wear other types of clothing besides stiff collars and pants.

Oftentimes in life, when something is not designed with diverse individuals in view, it will not be as helpful. In fact, Mike is a great reminder to me that many things are not meant for me. And yet, as a woman leader, I must figure out how to lead around it. Often times, many things are designed for men in mind and these tools or resources are more geared towards Western American values and realities that do not relate to my own community or minority context. With these tools, I must decipher or translate the good into my own setting. (How many of us have sat in classrooms, seminary auditoriums, leadership venues, or training centers where we have had to interpret the material for our own community, where we say to ourselves, This would never work where I live, but I can tweak this…?)

Yet, isn’t that what women or minority leaders do! We must be creative and learn to work around things like my friend Mike.

And finally, as a person who is involved in leadership development, I must continually ask myself the question, How am I creating venues and training with respect to diverse audiences? I must think about their context as I plan on creating tools or resources, being vigilant in creating materials and growth ideas that fit into each person’s context as much as possible. I must not assume that they will all wear stiff collared shirts or soft pastel dresses. I must contextualize. No one size fits all.

Once we intentionally design tools with that in mind, we will see the importance of creating space and place for their realities to be acknowledged and heard. Since no one size fits all, we serve in humility with respect for the dignity of another’s stories and realities. We allow ourselves to enter into their story and not demand them to just enter into ours or to insist on having them subconsciously or consciously defend their existence. Instead, we respect their stories. Thus, we learn to serve and love more like Christ who entered into our world and became flesh, Grace, and Truth for us and made sense of our realities with us.

So, if you are a minority leader, what symbols have reminded you that you are different than others? And how have you been able to creatively go around these barriers that may short-circuit your own voice or power?

And if you are a person who is involved in creating LD material, what helps you to design tools with diversity in mind? What has helped you to enter into other’s realities as you seek to empower leaders? Finally, how has Jesus been a guide to you as you contextualize God’s truths to diverse people?

(I would love to hear your comments. I want to learn from your story.)

The unexpected fruit of attending school...

2011-05-22T17:28:00.000-07:00

As I was reflecting over how grateful I am for being able to learn each quarter, I was surprised by an unexpected fruit. Sure, I am blessed with the fruit of learning about God and his people and the world. I am also enriched by how His Word is so unifying and true. Personally, I am experiencing a renewal as a result of God and my great professors who not only teach theology, but live out God's heart and love for people. I am personally humbled by it all thus far.

Aside from these great rewards of seminary, the greatest unexpected fruit is that seminary is growing my muscle of increasing my voice. In the last three quarters, I have had to wrestle with what I think about God and life. I have had to force myself to critically think about what I believe. With schools valuing not only critical thinking, but also original thinking, I have had to reflect and decipher where I stand on many topics.

This has indeed helped me to increase my voice. As an Asian American who would rather just agree with others, I have learned the value of having my own distinct ideas and opinions. As a woman leader who at times prefer to defer to others, I cannot do that in seminary.

The other great thing about seminary is that they make you write so many papers and force you to formulate your ideas and thoughts. I have sensed in my soul, a more ease in being myself and listening to my own voice. Having to write papers so often has taught me to continue to speak my voice....no matter how faint or unsure I may feel. It has exhorted me to continue to speak my voice for God and for those who cannot speak it.

Finally, as someone who often serves and empowers others, attending seminary has empowered me to speak and grow as a leader. It has allowed me to not just focus on others and what they have to say; it is teaching me to listen to my own voice. It has nurtured in me a need to care for myself or grow myself so as to better encourage others to grow. Seminary is teaching me to not just grow or speak my own voice, but equipping me to help others find and grow their own voices for His Kingdom sake.

This unexpected fruit is well worth the investment of my tuition.

Waiting: a good gauge-reading of my heart.

2010-10-27T21:35:00.000-07:00

It has been said that how we wait for others is often times an indication of our hearts. If we are able to wait well and in a calm way, people will say that we are 'patient'. The converse of course then, perhaps, we are impatient or so? What is often not emphasized is the condition of our hearts as we wait. Waiting gives us a window into our soul and core. Our relationship with waiting is a strong gauge of how we respond or handle power. Hence, it is a helpful guide that may explain how we lead.

I do not like waiting usually. It makes me feel like I am wasting my time. I was on a phone call recently where they kept putting me on hold. I was getting really peeved. Then, it occurred to me, I was beginning to feel like I was more important than the other person on the end of that line.

If I feel like I need to be first or things need to happen quickly or in my time frame, then I will get impatient. It is here that checking the gauge light to see why and what this means will instruct me about my heart. If I find it hard to wait, sometimes, it means that I believe that others should jump when I tell them to jump. I am the one with the power; really the universe revolves around ME. And I am all the happy for that. In this picture, I have all of the power alone while others in my concocted world only act as subordinates to my power.

In doing that, I am missing out on serving as a leader. As any parent would know, sometimes the journey is about the timing and the waiting makes it God defined. I must be able to value others as much as I value my own time table or desires for quick results in order to enjoy the wait and not miss out the special moments in life. I must learn that sometimes it is God’s time table that I must rely on and not mine own. If I am not there, I must ask God to help me with this. (Having children or dealing with others who are very different from us are good growth steps for those who HATE waiting....Slow it down, and smell the flowers and get to know the people.... and truly live life in the moment.)

As an Asian American leader, I have also noticed the other extreme of waiting as I become self-absorbed by my own passivity as I wait. Because I am a survivor or the daughter of immigrant parents, sometimes I just wait for others to act while I sit. Or I just expect others to tell me what to do, because I believe they should lead and I should defer to my authority. So, I just wait for permission from others to do something because I want to be respectful of structures or others. But the real focus here is that I am depending on others to lead me or do for me that which maybe I should do for myself or others. Here, I am more comfortable with the ‘ease’ of me waiting. It all depends on me being dependent on others. But nonetheless, it is still thinking about me and my comfort and not a broader concern about the greater good for others.

As I look deeper into my gauge light, I may see something even more troublesome. Honestly, sometimes I wait in passivity because in my core, I believe that the only real legit solution or power resides in the majority culture. As a minority in America, I grew up with a deep sense that I was never good enough and that I will never quite measure up to the majority culture. Early on as an AA leader, I would often times find myself looking over my shoulders facing doubts about not being good enough while desiring deeply for someone to affirm me for being me and not having to be WHITE enough.

We can see that the gauge light of waiting is not just about power, but ultimately how we see ourselves and how we relate to others? That is where these moments about waiting can be such a gift to us. If only we would give ourselves space and time to reflect with God, ourselves and close friends what it all means, we would all benefit from those times of waiting.

As this gauge light has helped me to see ME, I found that that I actually have the authority, I am just so doggone uncomfortable with it. So, I waffle and sometimes go back to my ‘go to’ as an AA woman: deference. This indicates to me that I see others as having power and me with NONE. It is a struggle that has been blessed with dear friends who will not let me go back to deference without speaking truth and love to me. They will not relent in their desire to see me empowered to serve others for God sake.

With my core view of myself as not ever being good enough, I have empowered myself to seek the validation of the Savior while enjoying the company of brothers and sisters who help me believe in myself when or where I cannot. I find that the only way to diffuse my self-doubt or self-absorption with being good enough is to know that I am the beloved by God and others. I learn that as I rid of my own need for affirmation, then I am able to truly be a servant leader whose concerns are about God and his people, and beyond my own need for validation.

So, my relationship with waiting serves as a great gauge to see my true heart especially how I relate to power and see myself. With friends and God, this diagnosis can be turned into a blessing for empowerment.

I would love to hear about what you are learning about yourself when you find yourself not liking or depending too much on the wait. What are you learning about your leadership as you serve others?

day 5 (Not behind our backs)

2010-09-30T22:51:00.001-07:00

Empowerment is such a buzz word in leadership circles both Christian or not. There seems to be lots written about this or even training conferences or seminars on this topic. We talk about our own desire to be empowered and for some of us, our longing to also empower others. I get excited about anything pertaining to this discussion.

Just this week, I learned how it is so easy to disempower people or leaders. And it comes from understanding about God's character. Today, I was reading about how God is so sovereign in history and missions, and yet, he never does anything behind our backs. The writer, Selwyn Hughes emphasized how God could have chosen to go that route and just do it all by Himself if he wanted to for certainly he had the power and right to take things in his own hands; we as his created children seem to be botching up so much in general. So, why didn't God just take things into his own hands alone? It would have been be alot more easier and reasonable.

Despite the fact that God is sovereign and in control of all things, He somehow chooses a method in missions that would not allow us to sit out; but to participate with him. God acts this way, because he is not just about his own authority or right to act; but he as God is also a loving and respectful God. His heart is so revealed through the way he invites his people into missions with him. And that he does nothing behind our backs; he wants us to be involved in kingdom work with him and experience a glimpse of his glory with him. His character is to share with us.

When I read Hughes' devo, I was hit with how I myself have so often acted unlike the God that I serve. Unknowingly at times due to my own shortcomings or blindspots, as God's leader I have done things behind people's back and not involved them to lead with me. Due to my own sinfulness or lack of awareness of my actions, I have done this to those I led or those I have sought to empower.

It is so much easier to just act and do it behind people's backs or just get it done on my own. It would at times even feel like less work to just take over. However, to do that would disrespect those who need to be involved in giving input or making decisions. To do this would not be loving that person nor respect their place in the mission of God. The task of empowering leaders is not so facile as some would suggest.

This task I believe is only feasible as we realize that only God is the true empowering Leader. He is the one who can empower us to empower others. He is our leader; he made sure that we were invited to the vital work of the missions with him. With the power of the Holy Spirit, we are able to love and respect and lead the way he does with us. We are able to learn how not to just use our authority to act alone; but to invite others to join us in sharing the joy of leading the mission of God. God help us as we lead!

day 4 (the gauge of my own maturity?)

2010-09-29T23:28:00.000-07:00

Friendships where we can disagree and yet still love one another is a rare gem. These kinds of friends who can do that with you are far and between. It requires so much work, intentionality, love, grace, honest communication and a strong sense of self.

As an Asian American woman, learning to disagree with another is not encouraged or at times even allowed depending on which relationships I traverse in. Our collectivism keeps us in our place of looking at how others my perceive our insistence on sticking with our opinions. Our penchant for harmony keeps us kow towing to each other; ensuring we do not rock the boat or dissent from others. (For that would be shame on us!)

Because of my friends who have long-sufferingly stay connected with me while freeing me to be truly myself while not acquiecing to others, I learned to take risks to be me and to speak my mind even when others will not agree or like me as result. The power of having another value you and respect you for having discord or dissenting views, frees the inner Asian American little child who hides in harmony for fear of being found out about how she really feels. Due to my friends' love, care, and prodding or exhorting, I stood the chance of being valued and respected. That invitation looked scary with others; but with a trusted friend, it helped me to stick my neck out to test the waters and found acceptance.

I am so graced with these friends and mentors whom I can debate with and agree to disagree with, while experiencing no fear of the lost of friendships. I am so blessed with friends who love me and accept me. Moreover, because there is lots of dialogue, there is so much growth endowed to me due to these amazing friends. I am stretched even as I am being questioned or challenged. (I am so very fortunate to experience these friendships.)

My prayer is that I would be that to other men and women; to help them be free to disagree with me in care, respect and challenge for godly living.

(Written for KV in mind. Thanks, KV.)

true obedience (day 2)

2010-09-27T00:46:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder about what could have been or how your life has turned out? I have recently! And it has been a very emotional journey of reflection. Mind you, I in general have loved my life and all that God has given me. However, as I have found myself comparing my life to others, I have discovered a bit of a longing for the what if's or doubting about my own path of choices?

It is an emotional endeavor as it has made me see how my life is the way it is today due to my own set of choices in life. I have looked with eyes green upon some of my friend's great accomplishments and intrigued by how I am not where they are at. Had I made a different set of decisions, maybe my life would be where theirs are. The journey has led me to wonder how I came to these actions.

Had you asked me why I made certain life choices, I would have quickly answered: God led me to this. However, as I examined this more, I am not so sure now? Yes, I believe God led me and I obeyed to the best of my abilities. But I also see how I may have been a bit skewed in how I perceived God's will?

I saw God's will through my own lens of sacrificial living and serving others. Believing that my life is to be totally surrendered to God in every major decision has been familiar to me. I often do not regret my choices. However, as I look back now, I see how my own identity did not help my eyes or lens to be pure in how to perceive God's will.

For the most part, I see myself as one who can do great things for God. However I waffle in this identity; and I exchange this one with that of someone who locates herself to be lesser than others. At times, in my core, I would find myself as one who sees herself or her identity as the lesser one. I show up as myself as one who would not accomplish God's great plans while others will.

My social location also encourages my shifting back and forth in my identity and how I view me. As a woman, I am taught by society to look out for others' needs first and definitely my needs are not as important as other men's; that I will defer or accommodate them. Being an Asian American rears me to be looking out at the collective group's needs first;its history bears bad news for me. My ancestors were not very favorable to my gender as showcased by atrocities done to Asian or AA women. Finally, my Christian faith or the church at large have sometimes used the Word of God to bring me to my place as a 'submissive' woman to men and God.

These social addresses of mine did not and do not help me to be truly me. And these locales do not encourage me to truly obey God out of a healthy place. Instead, my complicated social status shifts in time and in my mind. These locations all give me a lesser identity.

With this lesser identity, I have found myself hiding in my cocoon of obedience. With my godly desire to follow God and serve others, obedience is a natural aftermath. However, my lesser identity would subliminally dominate me to just serve others while totally forgetting about me.
Why should I even think about myself? It is easier to just obey without thinking about what is within me. (to be continued)

A Trend

2009-10-19T18:48:00.000-07:00

Anecdotely, I have heard of stories of Asian American women in their late 30's and early forties who'd up and left their husband for the other side whose grass seemed greener. It has been a bit
unsettling to think about how devout Christians who serve God and his church are seeking divorce and running away from their families. In the last 3 years, I can name 3 of those cases of the wife running off to be with another man while forsaking their families. It grieves me alot to see this trend.
It makes me wonder if these women (who were involved in various campus ministries in the past) were mentored to handle such challenges as their hearts, fears, disappointments and emotions.
I makes me very sad to realize that I could have been a part of what drove them to this.

I don't fully fault myself; just want to be learning from these incidents. When I look back at how I used to do ministry to AA's, I do not think it was contextualized to deal with their deeper core issues. I know that I did not only focuse on skils; I recalled talking alot about the heart. But I do not think that my early years at Michigan, Milwaukee or Metamorphosis displayed ministries of the soul. I know this for I was not fully there myself. I could not have taken these women somewhere where I had not been myself.

So, all I can do now is pray for these women and their families. It does however motivate me to continue to minister differently with Epic. I want to help our students and staff be built up in healthy discipleship so that the above trend would happen less and less.

If I could do it all over again, I would..

Spend more time looking at their family of origin and deal with their father and mother wounds.
I would teach them to truly grow up as an adult emotinally, and spiritually.
I would teach them to feel, to live and be comfortable with emotions and feelings.
I would teach them to deal with disappointments and losses.
I would teach them to find their voice, and to find dignity in their worth.
I would live out a healthy community of grace and truth, one where confession is the norm.
I would teach them how to fail well without shaming themselves to death.
I would teach them to know how deeply loved they are.
I would teach them to deal with shame head on! And to deal with their cultural baggage.
I would teach them to also value AA cultural values, not just bag on AA values in general.
I would teach them to play and rest and enjoy life and not just survive it.
I would pray for God to heal them more.
I would pray for our ministry to model a community of grace, truth, and love, where failure is not the end of relationships.
I would teach them to deal with conflicts in a healthy way.
I would love them more!
I would pray to Jesus to break the bondages that are there in all of our souls.

Gun Shy

2009-10-17T19:35:00.001-07:00

I am really gun shy or almost afraid of anything that minimizes power displays and realities.
Having lived most of my life surviving so well as a minority, it is now my turn to truly live and not survive. No longer do I want to minimize my feelings, hurts, dreams and fears away. But instead, I want to feel it all without making excuses for those who may not understand or worse yet, for those who must truncate my emotions in order to avoid what my feelings may infer about them.

In these last few months, I am so aware of the degrees of pain that I have had shuffled under the table for the sake of harmony or for the sake of harmony, and some times for the sake of spirituality. As I continue to listen to other minorities' stories, I also get absorbed into their dismays which causes me to relive mine. It has been an emotional journey that has caught me by surprise. It is at times so frightening or so charged that I wonder about the power that it has over me.

Is this power good? Is it for revenge? Is it cynism that comes from betrayal? Is it basic distrust? It has made me wonder if I need to relive the various horrors and have Jesus reassure me of his presence and love. From there, I will find wisdom and truth of how to live. (Psalm 51:6)

For now, I am not comfortable with being myself. I am gun shy! For now, I think I need to live and stay in the pain before I move on too quickly which is my past defense mechanism for survival. What I need is to truly live and feel all of this with God and let him speak to my uneasy self.

My compass....

2009-09-08T22:38:00.000-07:00

This summer, I was blown away by 2 compliments that came my way. They both came at me in a nice surprising way. And I was very much taken aback by both of them.

As you can surmise, this summer was exciting yet humbling for me. It was a summer in which I felt I had to desperately seek others to help me sort through some deep emotional turmoil. (Read my previous blog about my humbling summer.) So, when one of our students wrote a thank you card to me...I was a bit insulted at first by her remarks. She mentioned the usual things that one says to enccourage a mentor : God used you to help her grow; You were an example of faith, etc. But then, she made this comment: " I learned grace from you and you modeled this for me and us. You are one of the best at failing well." At first, I was a bit shocked or disturbed by that comment; it is not something that anyone has ever said to me. Then, it hit me that this was what I wanted and prayed for esp. in light of ministering to Asian Americans who often times do not ever fail or fail well. It dawned on me that she had given me a compliment or encouragement that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me especially in this context. To me, it should be one of our goals as ministers for the AA community: That our lives would be examples of those who live out grace, and those who can fail well and teach others to do the same.

The second compliment came while I was having breakfast with a staff and her husband who is not in our circle of service but is very supportive of his wife. We had a great time fellowshipping over good food. As he shared his experiences in ministry, he also went on to share with me his outside perspective on our Epic National Staff Conf that took place a few days prior to our breakfast. He described similar things that I would expect from others: our conf. was modelled by vulnerabilty and honesty which he loved; engaging content that was visionary. It was rather encouraging and the usual suspect. However, I dropped my jaw when he said his final statement: Well, the most important thing that I felt from your national leadership in general that was different than other Christian leadership context was this: You all live out and showcased Servant Leadership. When he said this, I was speechless. I felt like he read a page out of our Epic National LD team's notes and values and just recited back verbatim. It was indeed the kindest compliment that I think that one can ever receive in ministry: to live out servant leadership. For indeed, it is one thing to lead and yet another to be known for servant leadership like Jesus live out. I pondered on his statement for days.

These 2 compliments certainly put things into perspective for me. They blew me away and emphatically guided me back to some of the truest values that I want to live out as a minister in the AA community. I feel that these compliments have given me my compass for ministry with AA's.

My Tribute to the Kennedys.

2009-08-29T00:07:00.000-07:00

Standing on the steps of the Michigan Student Union, my life was first changed. It was there that I first fell in love with the idea of serving community, others and even for our country. That was the year where I began to learn about my own Asian American journey and our AA community. It was there that I became angry at the injustices done to ethnic Americans in these United States of America. The next year as a Sophomore, I founded the Asian American Association and began encouraging our members in self expression and to participate in community service and politics on campus and beyond. It was an exciting time to see how my one little life could effect change for our community. I fell in love with service hook line and sinker! Two years later when I began to grow spiritually, I also got involved in making a difference for God and our Asian American student community. It was phenomenal to see how little seeds of service can grow to touch so many's lives, including my own. God was at work in our community!

As I have recently reflected over my college career, I truly see how God used men like the Kennedys to change my destiny. As the country and the world mourn for the death of the last of the Kennedy brothers, I too have been very affected by this loss. Though I have never met these Kennedys and I have not always agreed with their rhetoric or politics, I have been greatly influenced by them. I indeed have been shaped by their way of life of public service. And for that, I am very grateful! I feel that they were the ones that tilled the soil of my heart and soul for a life of service for God. So, their legacy will continue in my life every time I choose to serve others, serve our community or God's community. Today, I weep for the joy of a life well lived and for the hope to do the same in my life according to God's will.

Here is how I hear the Kennedy's way of thinking in my heart both now and in college:
" Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country." President John F. Kennedy said on the steps of the Univ. of Michigan student union.
"Some men see things as they are and say why. I dream things that never were and say why not." Robert Kennedy
"Some believe there is nothing one man or one woman can do against the enormous array of the world's ills. Yet many of the world's great movements, of thought and action, have flowed from the work of a single man. A young monk began the Protestant reformation; a young general extended an empire from Macedonia to the borders of the earth; a young woman reclaimed the territory of France; and it was a young Italian explorer who discovered the New World, and the 32 year-old Thomas Jefferson who [pro]claimed that "all men are created equal."Ted Kennedy's eulogy at Robert Kennedy's funeral.
" To whom much is given, much is required" From the Gospel of Luke.

As a Sophomore, I heard the cry to make a difference and that my small life can make a difference for the community. I saw the lack of something and I wanted to alter that sad reality even if no one would join me. As a senior in college, being active in a conservative Christian club was good for my spirituality; but at times offensive for my cultural awareness as an AA. There were times when I would sit at these meetings and wonder if I fit or if I could stand the prejudices of these well meaning Christians. There were times that I wanted to quit. But I think the call of God and the sentiments of these men and others reverberated in my soul to stay. To stay only as a means of changing things for the better for others and for the future. So stay I did. And I am glad for after 26 years I am still serving with that same organization seeking change for the better for God's community.

I am glad that God made me see that even one life will make a difference and that my life can be a part of changing an organization for good. This is what I carry from these Kennedys that I have never met. It is a sad day in my heart for a piece of my history feels like it is dying. But again I hear these men's voice booming also in my heart:

"The work begins anew. The hope rises again. And the dream lives on." Ted Kennedy at the DNC 2008. So, I wake up in a new day and I carry the torch to make a difference in this world for God and for the community. I carry on and pass that on as it has been passed on to me by men I have never met.

The Moment of Truth

2009-08-22T18:11:00.000-07:00

It was a summer mixed with joys and pains and struggles. We were at the end of it and were playing a game to recollect and celebrate our summer together as a missional team in San Fran. One of our female students and female staff had designed a fun game using trivia about our project. It ranged from things like: How many birthdays did we celebrate this summer? Into more serious questions about who is who on our project. It was definitely an insider's game of trivia. Very clever game indeed to celebrate with. They did a great job with it.

So, the question came up: "Who was the Assistant Project Director?"

At first, the students were contemplating...and were not sure and discussing this. I sat there almost sweating. I was telling myself: "THIS IS IT". What will these students say? or even staff? Will they say: It was Margaret. She is the woman and she was the Assistant Projecgt Director or Associate Proj. Dir. I was squirming in my seat and praying for the best and even bracing myself for fear of disappointment.

You see, in some Christian and/or Asian American settings, women can only be associates or assistants, and not leaders in their own rights. We in Epic have made it clear that our Proj Directors were both co leaders together and not fixed by gender. That is our value. However, values are only as good as how people really perceive it to be. In that moment, I remember saying to God: "Well, this is the moment of truth. Did we or did we not really teach them and showcase to them that men and women both lead out of their own strengths and that one is not lesser than the other." I was praying and hoping that they would get the correct answer.

This was also very impactful for me as I knew of our women's stories of past pains in sometimes being a woman and/or woman leader. So, if these women who designed the game said the wrong answer, it would have been very sad for me to realize that we had failed in living out our values in front of them or that they did not catch these.

So, the contestants and the 2 teams were baffled and they even suggested some funny names like one of the staff guys. But in the end, the students said:" No one was the assistant project director." And the answer was: "No one!"

I breathed a huge sigh of relief. And it was only after a day or so that I realised that this moment of truth helped me see that God had indeed worked on our project. The men and women there were living out our values of empowering men and women to lead. I was so grateful for that. It could have looked very different! But God really allowed us to live that out this summer.

I was so blessed to be a part of that.

leadership development for asian americans

2009-08-13T22:24:00.000-07:00

This summer afforded me a great privilege of living with AA students and staff. I was so grateful for that. It brought to mind for me how challenging spiritual transformation is within our AA community. I was very aware of how difficult it really is to assist others in their spiritual growth esp. in light of our AA realities. Given all of our AA cultural challenges, growing in Christ really looks so different than other settings. As a result of my summer with our staff and students, I became even more grateful for our staff on the field on campuses who labor day in and day out for God to use them to influence young men and women for Christ. I was very humble in this process.

One of the things that I became convinced of was that we in Christian service must figure out how we can make plain and simple the reality of living in a community of grace. I saw the power of a graceful community and its power to change us. But I also saw how this kind of environment does not come easily and must be a product of much prayer and intentionality.

I was blessed to see this kind of power and community. In light of our AA communities penchant to stay in darkness or shame, it was such a healing balm for us to experience sharing about the hidden pains and hurts and sins of our past. It was powerful to see the healing power of confession, forgiveness and grace given to each other in community.

However, I also saw that there are so many distractions and temptations that keep us pursuing true biblical transformational community......

Staycation

2009-08-10T00:02:00.001-07:00

I love staycations. It is great that I did not have to travel to relax and vacation.
I literally did not do much but eat, read, slept, and shop a bit.
I loved it and I felt free to do this as I realised that it was a great picture of how
the world does not revolve around me. That indeed God is still reigning supreme for all of his people while I rest. It is very humbling and very reassuring for my soul to know that God is still at work while I rest.

I am so grateful to the fact that God rested on the seventh day. And that he desired all of us to rest from some of our labor every 7 years. (I must have a sabbatical for one year somehow!)

I have lots to do after my staycation. But God is in control.....
I must rest and trust in Him.

Grateful for such a loving God...

Humbling summer....

2009-08-09T23:23:00.000-07:00

My summer was a great summer. The words that I would use to describe it would be humbling.
I entered the summer really tired and a bit discouraged with all the circumstances in my life.
I had begun my summer project hitting rock bottom as I experienced in a real way the effects of 3 months or so of just struggling and surviving. Since March of this year, lots had transpired. My mom was sick and was hospitalized; she was there for a week and I had to take care of her since she spoke no English. All of that happened while still dealing with our ministry crises that our HR team needed to deal with. I went to Texas to help the staff there while taking a short breather from Mom stuff. It was also a time to deal with Kevin, my nephew's services being discontinued. During that time I had to do lots of work to appeal this decision. Then, my own financial situation became gloomier and gloomier while my brother, my biggest supporter and the co-owner of my home lost his job. (He is still looking for job.) The fun and hard working event of the spring was also our HR team hiring 14 new people to join us. (We called this spring: Turbo Epic as we worked like turbo charged.)

All that to say, this was the condition of my heart as I met to create our missional team for the summer. Unfortunately or fortunately, I hit rock bottom that day. And as I described in the last blog post, my past hurt also stirred in me as I sat there dealing with the reality of being an Asian American women in our AA community. This past hurt conjured up in my heart the aloneness of my past hurt. But as I deal with that hurt more and more, I realised that I was actually also hurt from having had to deal with so much drama this past spring. It was as if my aloneness was really more from my feeling kind of alone this past spring. In the midst of my many challenging circumstances, I think my heart just gave up and my heart became sad. I think I began to be sad because I felt God was not with me; and I was utterly alone in all of my dealings in my life. I was struggling to feel his presence in my life or was wondering where God was in my life.

What was humbling was that I had to lead a team of students and staff while I was feeling so vulnerable and sad.
God was very gracious to me in that our coaches helped me to sort through my fear of being alone in dealing with the women in leadership question. But they were so apt in saying that there was more to my energy and hurt. They were absolutely correct. My hurt came from my own past few months of my journey with God and my feeling alone with God.
In God's graciousness, he had allowed my coaches to help me sort through this. And the night right before we were to drive to the Bay Area to truly begin our missional service there, God allowed me to have a great meeting with my friend who prayed and helped sort through my heart with me.

What we discovered that night was that I was finally feeling the last few months with God and I was also feeling alot of past hurts from the women in leadership issue. My friend and I agreed that I needed to let my self feel this and to be humble and make sure i ask for help. We agreed that I needed to let others into my heart that was so sad at that point. Then, we prayed.

I think that meeting changed my whole summer. Because I saw the condition of my heart, I felt a compunction to share with my teammates how fragile I felt. I felt the high need to have them pray for me and for them to help me as I serve. Our team was very gracious and loving in carrying this with me. The picture I have for this summer is of myself being like the widow who could only give Jesus 2 pennies as an offering. But Jesus commends her for giving all that she had. I felt that way about this summer. I did not feel fully myself; I felt weak. But I was fully myself in that I did not put on airs about me. However, I definitely felt like I gave all that I had and my all was like 2 pennies and He somehow blessed the offering.

Humbling...and good.

That moment that transcends into our past...

2009-07-31T00:40:00.000-07:00

Recently at a gathering for preparing student/staff missioinaries to various places around the world, we held a discussion about leadership. My director asked each group to work on a drawing of a picture of a leader. (Unbeknownst to all, some were asked to draw a picture to depict an Asian American leader; others were asked to do the same but for an American leader.)
Obviously, we realized that the pictures were a bit different from the group that did the AA vs. Western or American leader. Our director gave some great perspectives on how we need to wary of trying to fit one type of leader into a formula...hence, don't seek to fit a square peg into a round hole.

But the moment that transfixed me into the past of my hurts as a woman leader was right after the 4 groups of us shared these pictures of leaders. Of the 4 groups made up of Asian American men and women, none of the groups showcased a woman leader. All of us somehow subconsciously assumed that leaders be they AA or Americanized were all male. This moment had a very profound and hurtful effect on me. There I sat as we continued to talk about the differences between AA and American or Western leadership while I sank in my seat. Did anyone else noticed this? Any women leader noticed? Or male leaders? (Why didn't the women speak up? Or the men?)

In that moment, I began to pray that someone else in the audience would notice this gender reality. I felt very alone. In what seemed an eternity, my heart was longing for someone to notice this and declared this a problem in our community.....that women are not thought to be leaders. I waited and waited and no one spoke up. I saw that I was in a moral dilemma of some sort. As my director continued with his presentation about leadership, I became more and more ill at ease. That moment transported back to my past of being a woman leader who always had to speak up for other women. I saw in that moment that had I not spoken up that this would be another subtle way of saying that indeed women are not leaders. I could not let this be be our statement to so many young women who sat there wanting someone to speak up against this horrific oversight or reality of our community.

So, I raised my hand.

My director was fantastic and agreed that it was a traversity that we all assumed that only men were leaders. He did a great job of affirming that women are leaders by their own rights.
He encouraged all of us to empower women in leadership positions. He did a great job in affirming our women.

My moment of sad aloneness turned into a great moment for our women at the conference.

But it came at a cost to me. It came at the expense of realising that women are still not lauded as leaders. It came at the cost of me having to once again advocate for women. It took me a while to see that my heart had longed for a man in the audience to remark on the fact that there was a huge miss that we only had pictures of men leaders and no women leaders. I had to forgo my own desires for others to advocate for me, to realise that I must advocate for our Asian American woman. It brought back the past where I would long for others to advocate for me and yet none came to help in those moments. I recalled the total aloneness at those critical times.

What was a moment that transcended me into my past turned into some good for other women.
What was a moment that transported me into my past hurts, became a source of encouragement for others. What could have been a moment of utter despair was transferred into a moment of gratitude as I recalled how there have been great men in my life who totally have advocated for me to lead as a woman leader. What overflowed was a realization that I can advocate because Someone else has advocated for me...not just Jesus Christ himself, but male leaders who have platformed me and empowered me. God always redeems those moments of pain and somehow turns them into a praise to Him.

I am so glad that that moment transcended into my past hurts......because God was there in many ways to handle my hurt and my heart skillfully.

There is a still a journey for women and for me as a woman leader...but it is journey marked with God and other men and women of faith who will advocate for women and men to be all that God desires for them to be.

I am blessed to have worked with men who loved and believed in me beyond myself.
God has deeply used them to instill in me a will to lead because of them. I am so grateful to these faithful men!

It's about getting it right....

2008-06-05T22:52:00.000-07:00

Since the Detroit Pistons lost recently in the playoffs, I have been following the leadership genius of Detroit's GM-Joe Dumars' moves as he navigates through the crisis with his flailing team.
From afar and knowing the little that I know about Dumars, he is a respectful and very well liked individual. And he is lauded as a leader of a diverse group of folks. Joe is also known for making many great moves to get to a championship level of a team. At the same time, many will also remember that he missed the likes of Dwayne Wade and Carmelo Anthony for an unknown Darko Milicic who is still an unknown. He is not perfect but has a great track record.

While observing Dumars' responses to his floundering team, I thought it was great how he maneuvers through distributing the blame where it maybe due, including on himself. He is one who won't budge on excellence and hard work. But he is all bent set on his goal...a championship team. He does this by being a calculated risk taker while always treating individuals with class. He is a prototype of HR management/leadership to me.

My latest favorite Dumar's quote for his team's creed is this:
'It's not about being right, it's about getting it right.'
I had to rethink this for a few seconds and found it profoundly true in life and leadership.
As a leader, if I were about being right, then, I would do alot to cover up my mistakes. If I were about the first, I would also not admit I was ever wrong thus, at times preventing me from making the right adjustments or corrections. If I were about being right only, then I may also hinder myself from loving people and doing what it takes to confess and repent as needed in relationships.

I love Dumar's team creed, it reveals so much the heart of an authentic person. That the most important thing in life is not about being right....but about getting it right to do what is best for each situation and for loving relationships in God's sight. And what is more paramount is not about being right, but about what can happen when one is actually wrong. That indeed, God is a God who sees our sins and short comings and yet, he always redirects us to getting it right with Him via the hope of the Gospel.

I literally have recollections from my leadership experience where I remember being tempted to just appear to be right and just go on as if life is as it should be. And at various times, I'd hear the voice of God nudging me to say: 'So, Margaret, you would rather be right and look like you did the right thing, then actually obey what I tell you to do NOW! And you would actually let your pride get in the way of what is My will? All so that you can continue to appear to be right? Think about it, my child, what is really in your heart?'

Other temptations happen in leadership decisions where I have made the wrong moves thus impacting those I serve in a negative way. Again, God is very gentle in how he has guided me to apologize to these same people even though in my pride I may not have liked not being right. Had I been about being right, or not being wrong in those scenarios, I would have missed out on repairing relationships and loving others. I would have missed out on the freedom of those moments of being about getting it right with God and not about controlling my image. Had I be about being right, I would have missed those redemptive moments where my image is laid bare and I am without an excuse for being wrong. But the wonder of it all, in these same long moments I usually find the grace of God via the people that knows about my shortcomings. This kind of vulnerability has allowed me to receive love from God in a very tangible intimate way. It also has taught me how to love as God does, with no claims to rights or being right.

So, who said you cannot learn about life via sports? Not I.
Thanks to Dumars, I am reminded about what is essential in life and leadership! Go Pistons!

It is what it is!

2008-04-05T14:04:00.001-07:00

"Isn't it funny that our reputation is like the wind?" This was a question that we discussed as I chatted with a fellow campus minister/friend. He was sharing with me about how a person can build up a life time of faithful service and credibility, but to no avail. What he meant was that sometimes, our reputation or others' perception of us is what it is, and it does not whatsoever depend on us. The frustrating thing is that others' perception of us or their opinions of us sometimes is not really about our character or action. Sometimes, their perception is more about their own lens with which they look at us.

Yes, to be a faithful, humble servant of God, we must always examine our own lives and why we maybe perceived negatively. However, there are times when it does not matter what we say or how we live or even about the fruit of our own righteous living. The sad thing is that alot of times, these perceptions are what they are because of the people perceiving us. Thus, their ideas about us are really not something we can truly earn or lose. It is what it is!

I have been thinking about this since Feb. 08. That month, I was not able to attend a conference related to my ministry. But my friends who attended the conference told me what happened there. It was nice that during that time, my name was spoken well of in front of all of the conferees. It was nice! In fact, it was such a nice feeling!

As I was processing that nice feeling, I was reminded by God that it is what it is! Sure felt good to have that feeling of being spoken well of. But it is really not about me. I sense that it is actually ironic that last year , had I attended the same conference, I might have heard some very negative things said about me.
(You see, I was kind of fired from my old position around that time.)

I recalled the feeling that I was so exasperated by my situation because I was not able to represent myself to some of these same people. I was greatly hurt because I was not able to express my view or even defend the false perceptions about me. It was as if it did not matter what I said or what I did, and that these perceptions would persist. I felt very helpless!

The same scenario and yet, this time, it is the opposite. This time, it really was not about me,
it just happened that the perception of me now was a more positive perception of me; but I really didn't do that much for those kind words. (Sure, I was encouraging and all...but really it was just their perception....) In actuality, I am the same person that was fired.

Like my other friends who have experienced this, after living a while, we get to experience that our reputation is sometimes like the wind. It just come and goes. And really, we cannot base our identity and our worth on the words or opinions of men or women. That really the only thing that is the most important in our lives is what Jesus says about us. That He thinks we are really precious and we are truly his beloved children. What really matters is His opinion about us.

The wind will come and go. And all we can do is to abide in Him as it moves around.
All we can do is to examine our hearts about others perceptions of us and humbly change anything that Our Savior tells us to. We must then leave our reputation at the alter of God.
And to embrace that our reputation is just like the wind.
But God is our security and is our stay.

Can He hear me?

2008-03-14T02:07:00.000-07:00

It is 2:00am in the morning and I cannot believe that I am up. But it is one of those rare nights when sleep escapes me. I almost feel like I will burst. I cannot believe the ways that God answers our hearts' cries and prayers for ministry. I am like a little kid in the ice cream shop getting giddy about how she can get any flavor of ice cream that her heart desires. And what's more, she gets to have more than one cone.

"My cup runneth over..."
It is as if God literally hears my thoughts and then, just makes it happen....very serendipitously.
How often in the last few months have I felt this way! How often I have sensed God literally hearing my words. Wow, that is a very powerful image for me as an Asian American...that God literally hears me and listens to me. That is a profondly baffling reality to know of and experience when I consider my own father's detachment while growing up. Moreover, when I think of how life was always more about my mother and her needs and not what I had to say.

How wonderful and how marvelous to know of this as God's relationship with me!

As glorious as that is, still the real pearl is not that He hears me. The real prize or pearl is that he cares. It is that he hears, and he does stuff just for me to know that he cares. It is what my friends call tangible 'kisses' from God
No one else will understand all the undercurrents of his way of answering my prayers or changing history....that is his secret with me. How marvelous that I and we have this type of relationship with God.

In the secret, in the quiet place , You are there....with me.
"What other nation is so great as to have their gods near them the way the LORD our God is near us whenever we pray to him? " Deut. 4:7

I can never......

2007-10-28T21:52:00.000-07:00

I can never like smoking. I would not want to.
It smells horrific and it is bad for you.
But it sure would help in being in the fraternity of male leadership.
As a woman leader, I have those thoughts of wanting to smoke with the guys
so that I can feel more accepted in their circles.
How often I feel excluded in the informal ways that decisions are made.
And I am not in that inner circle!

Is it my own insecurity? Or is it that it is a crummy way to feel about yourself
in the gender mix. Do men ever feel this way?
I just want to be me and be free to lead and serve
without feeling apologetic for myself or feeling like an
outsider or being marginalized.

Reading " The Lost Women of the Bible" by Carolyn Curtis James
teaches me that it ought not be so. That God has designed men and women
to be involved in the Blessed Alliance. And that anything short of that will hinder
kingdom work.

Experiences like these leave me to wonder away from my vision...
I long to be just at a place where I can lead and use my own giftings.
I don't want to have to fight to be a part of the 'in' crowd.
I really should continue to look into starting up a company or ministry.
That seems like the easy solution? Or is it?

Where YOU are....

2007-08-14T12:59:00.000-07:00

Recently while appreciating the beauty of sunset at the Ritz Calrton,
I stumbled across this poem: (I love vacations!)
****************************************************
WHERE YOU ARE...

the life down here is not so bad
it indeed is pretty go0d
the assurance of love and connections
albeit limited is sweet
my heart is content
But my heart longs
to be over there ---where You are

where Your glory and love lie
where You are able to shine
in the midst of the darkness
where You reign supreme
where there is no lack

my heart longs for
what I know not of---
only what I dare to dream of
my heart longs for
things and sights unseen
of grandiosity unforetold
my heart longs for home
for home with You
where You are ---
with all of Your glory.

Bring me to where You are---
rid my limited obscured ways---
rid of my impatient selfish soul---
Let Your glory pull me in
Let your love overwhelm my inner being
Let You---let me go to
where You are---

I'll let go if You'd
pull me into Your glory and love
I'd choose Life eternal if
You'd pull my soul besides Yours
I'd choose Love glorious if
You'd burn away the
moss of my pride---

Your glory shines
in the midst of the darkness---
Your glory draws and pulls me
towards Heaven to where You are

Random thoguhts Aug. 12, 2007

2007-08-12T11:33:00.000-07:00

***Three months ago, I was driving around in my car and all of a sudden, I began to sing a song in my heart. It is from the song: "I can see clearly now the Rain is gone, all of the obstacles have disappeared, here is the rainbow I've been praying for; it's gonna be a bright bright sunshiny day....Look over here,there is nothing but blue skies....I can see clearly now the rain is gone"
Then it hit me, how I my soul was doing. I felt so liberated as I realised how I have felt the Lord taking my soul from the darkness of the harshness of this past year and sensing a new day in my soul and heart.
It was a great feeling. Then, I began to ponder on how neat it was that God is so into putting a new song in our hearts. Even though, I am not very musical whatsoever, there is something that God puts within my soul that longs to sing about how God has worked in my life.
It was a moment in which I was reminded of the power of music in my heart.
I think being a non musical person may have hinder some of the richness of God in my heart.
I really had to wrestle with how I can change that for my life.

***Here is something I came across recently on my vacation. (It was glorious! To be with God and alone and not think about work, or Kevin or ministry...) But I am so aware of how God provides for us spiritual home places for our soul. What I mean is that for each of us, God sometimes use certain place or environment to help us feel his presence, love and voice in a unique way. For me, it is watching the sun and sunsets. I can recall so often hearing God love and speak to me in the midst of staring at the sun and during sunsets. It is neat that for some of us, it is the mountains.....or the creek....and even a certain time of the day when our soul feels so connected to Him. I am so grateful that God knows me and makes appointments with me at those places in special ways. He is so intricate in how he speaks to all of us.

***I really have to continue to work on anger in my life. God is so good to teach me about my voice...and how anger plays. I feel so young in this area....

From Lose/Lose to Winning for Him

2007-06-25T00:31:00.000-07:00

I could not believe it. Why was God doing this to me? Here I am an Asian American being trained in mediating conflict. And who is my assigned co-mediator for our 2 hour conflict role play? A 78 year old godly woman who is dominant and a professional psychologist who had practiced marriage counseling at our church for over 8 years. I was grateful to work alongside with her. But the irony of it all was that her counseling approach was actually a disservice to her and us as we sought to facilitate reconciliation with the parties involved in the case.

Why, God?
Do you want me to learn again how to speak up? But I am so Asian, I hesitate more since she is older and learned and experienced. I was truly struggling to say things to her...
I was tongue tied....I was taken back. I had to figure out the nice way to call a caucus with her so we could be on the same page. How do I gently tell her that her methods were very judgmental? How do I have the heart to tell her what I really feel. I felt stifled.

Later on as I reflect over that moment, I got upset at God. Why God, why indeed? It is not fun to be AA sometimes. I was also reminded of times when I would be like that dear old lady...where I was the older one with younger leaders. And I recalled how in those scenarios, because I am so American, I would defer as well so that I could also empower younger leaders leading with me. It hit me like a ton of bricks....it feels like I am always deferring....be it to younger or older leaders....

It almost feels like being Asian American is not working for me. By my Asian self, I naturally defer to older people. By my American self, I naturally defer to younger people so as to not misuse my power with them. I don't abdicate influence; but I use that power to accept these younger leaders and believe in them. From the world's perspective, being AA feels kind of like I lose in both scenarios. I was a bit bothered by this as I discussed this with God.

But once I went into his sanctuary, I was reminded of how in God's economy that you have to lose your life to gain it. Really, in both of these situations that God puts me in...I get to love people the way he would want me to. I get to truly not think of myself as I often do...but to love others while respecting them without losing myself. And loving others is always winning for God...He gets the glory....

So, I am not so mad at God any more....I am glad I am me...AA and all.

The Differrence That Changes Life....

2007-06-25T00:15:00.000-07:00

There I was all nervous about a very important meeting. I was trying to prepare; almost like a lawyer...since it was so important. I was writing and writing to sort through my thoughts.
Ring...it was my friend S calling to check in with me. She wanted to know how I was feeling about that morning's meeting. She also called so she could pray for me. So, she did over the phone.

I was feeling good and very at peace having been prayed for by her. Ring, ring...another call?
It was another friend named S. He was calling from another time zone. He was my pastoral friend...he had been with me this whole year....giving my pep talks and attending to my soul.
He also wanted to call to pray with me. So, he did on the phone.

I went back into my prep work for my difficult conversation. Then, it happened!!
That moment when I sensed God's presence...I felt God's whisper of his still voice.
He told me: Look, M, you are busy prepping for a meeting. But you are so loved and supported by such caring friends. You are really gifted with much from me. The greatest gift you have is your friendships of support that I have given you! Relax and trust me and trust that they are all rooting for you as well. (Of course, they were rooting for me...I knew that!)

That same moment, the feeling that dawned on me was one of compassion. I started feeling for others who may go into similar difficult situations in life and yet, they know not that support from friends. I began to feel for those who know not of the love of God via the saints who are true friends. Right then and there, I felt this surge of power and security or confidence that I knew not of if not for God and the love of his people. It goes to show you that a person can do anything if he or she knows that she is deeply loved.

What a difference!

A year of Remembering....

2007-06-11T08:23:00.000-07:00

How funny is it that for the woman who tends to quickly move on in life that God orchestrated this past year as a year to learn the discipline of remembering. How appropriate!
As I struggled to make sense of all that happened this past year, I find Him teaching me
about remembering who I am and what He has done in my life.

This year, he has put 4 pivotal events to help me to remember my heart, my passion, my life and my calling.

1) The book: Let Your Life Speak, by Parker Palmer has really helped me to be mindful of
my life. From day one, there has been a unique Margaret Yu's mark that God has put in
my life. That I have always been me! And really it is as I have grown up, like all of us, that I have lost my way. The way seemed subconsciously easy to fit into others' dreams of my life or what I think my life 'should' be instead of what it is...truly God's creative beautiful creation.
I think I forget sometimes that I have always been me. From my birth to now, I have always been me. And that God is most glorified when I am being true to my calling of being me...and being me shaped by Him to become more like Him. I was reminded that the most difficult calling in my life is not just following my vocational calling, but that the most challenging calling in my life is being 'me'.

2) This was a year in which I longed to avoid the waiting of a difficult relational process that helped to basically caused me being removed from my job. It was very painful. In August of
'06, I knew in my intuition that the big horrible move may happen (I was right about being removed from what I loved to do) and thus, I wanted to leave staff. But God would not let me. And throughout this year, I have so often wanted to leave this process. To my chagrin, God would not allow me any of the leaving.

But over and over again, I sensed God wanting me to stay in the process so I would learn and live through the pain. As the year unfolded, I had felt the urge to move on very quickly with my career...and realised that I had a drive to just move on and avoid the hurt. But God remained stalworth to keeping me to remember my own grief. I have had to learn how to grieve and to stay in the pain and gain freedom from that. God made me stay in my grief as I had to say goodbye to co workers who were close friends and kindred spirits to me. I had to grieve over what my life, work and dreams were before being shaken out of my role. At various times this year, I would find myself 'shoulding' myself about how I should be able to forgive or let go of my hurt or pain, or even be able to just look for a new role or job? At those times, God would teach to slow down and remember the reality of what I was going through. I am learning to give myself grace to feel, to heal, grace to grieve and the grace to remember my own hurt and pains. (This is still a daily struggle for me...that is why this blog is so good for me...)

3) At the Learning to Love the Master Retreat (with Journey Companion Ministry.com), I was reminded of the importance of inviting God into all of our memories...be they great or horrible.
I was blessed to be able to see Jesus in my stories from my childhood. I was thoroughly challenged to do this for the rest of my life. I also reflected over all of my life...and discovered God has always had a theme to teach me. From my times with Him, he made it clear that from day one, He has always been giving me Songs of Confidence. And that really throughout my life, God has given me Songs of Confidence via many venues in various lifestages.

In my younger years, He gave me a Song of Confidence via supportive friends who believed in me more than I could ever believe in myself. During this dark year, He has given me a Song of Confidence via hardship and self doubt. From this time when I was so shaken from my loss of confidence, He somehow was able to instill in me a truer confidence in me. The miracle of God's power is that from my crisis of confidence, He has gained it in my soul...as I breathed and exhaled. He did this as I exhaled what I greatly feared and he inhaled in me a resolve in my soul to not be anyone other than myself. After my initial shrinking back, He infused in me a stronger sense of myself. That is the power of the Holy Spirit and community.

4) As a part of my transition on staff, I participated in a tool called Motivated Activities Pattern (MAP), this again confirmed who I am. The tool required for us to sit and reflect on all of our achievements from all of our lives and we had to pick the top 8 and write about each achievement in a one page report. From there, we did an interview with a caseworker who recorded everything we said about our top achievements. Finally, he comes up with themes of motivational thrust in our lives.

It was helpful for me even before the written 21 page summary of my patterns.
I was again struck by how God has always been weaving his design in me.

As a result, I am now more abled to determine which jobs will fit me or not. I am able to figure out what will give me the most satisfaction. This totally excites me as Frederick Beunchner would say:
God's calling is the intersection of where our deepest satisfaction meets the needs of the world.

As I sit, I feel so free having had this time to slowly remember and recall who God is and who he says I am. I am so humbled by his calling for me to walk in integrity of being me, even in my pain or hurts. I am challenged to choose to give him the greatest glory by being me and not anyone else. I am so much more secured knowing that God truly wants me to be me and not anyone else...that indeed he loves me for me....no more and no less.

What a year! I am still in it....I am still learning to remember....

Quote of the Day

2007-06-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

This is from James Houston's Joyful Exiles (the book).

On slow progress. “Often I think faster than I can act; and I have more actions than I can incorporate in my character. Consequently I need a greater unity and integrity of faith, while realizing that any progress God gives occurs at the lowest pace of all”

I love this and I hate it. As someone who is divinely designed by God to be an achiever for Him, I find this my struggle while I live on this earth. This thought does help me to be at peace with waiting on God during those times of quiet or what seemed like inactivity in my life or silence from God. This gives me hope and assurance that God is doing what he will to shape my character even while I may fight him on it. This is the reality...this struggle that He has given me.

I need a greater unity and integrity of faith and a reverence for His ways and his timing in my life. Oh, the waiting.....oh the heart.....oh to not go ahead of God in my actions and in my desires.

easy counterfeits

2007-06-06T22:06:00.000-07:00

Recently, a good friend of mine was discussing somethings about spiritual journeys and life.
And he again reminded me of how our lives as Christians can be so counterfeited.
As he reflected about life, he was mentioning how he wanted to not just be a person that does the right things or the right Christian things, but that he truly wanted to abide in his heart with Christ.

As I thought on that, I was reminded of how it is so easy to think we are abiding in Christ when we are only doing the Christian acceptable thing...and even with our divided motives. God made me think on how much easier it is to just do the right thing. Really, the Christian life is not doing the right thing...but being rightly related and connected to Jesus. It is very tempting to be a good spiritually moral person. Oh, but to be a spiritually attuned and abiding follower of Jesus is another thing.
To not be about trying to be a good person or Christina is actually more challenging and more complexed. (Sometimes, I wished it were not so...but I guess it would make sense in that God is simple and yet complexed being who He is as God.) But to be trusting God for to live this life with us is easy and yet challenging all at once.

I have seen in my own life, how I often try to do the good spiritual Christian or even spiritual leader thing....and have missed on God and have had Him missed out on my heart.
Our hearts have missed each other as I would try harder with being good. The good grace of God is that he never allowed me to continue without causing me to missed out on his heart. Or he never let me be satisfied enough with the counterfeit of being a spiritually moral person...but somehow in his divine kindness, He saw it fit to send friends and mentors to guide me towards a deeper part of my heart. He gave me this thirst for more than the fake deal....a thirst for his loving heart.

I am so grateful for friends who would not let me just stay there and be happy or content until my heart was stirred to long for more....For that, I am truly blessed.

I loved seeing a small glimpse of my friend's heart....he and his wife are truly co-journers with God with me. How fortunate I am!

My first blog....wow....

2007-06-06T08:49:00.000-07:00

June 6 My Very First Blog....
Can you believe it? I am in blog space. I hope to use this to help me in expressing my thoughts for my self and my friends. I hope it is something that helps me in my journey of finding my own voice and owning my own voice.
I will write more laterz.....